Feeling dumb, idiotic, stupid…
I really don’t know what is wrong with me. Today I spent most of my day doing absolutely nothing at work! That’s such a waste of time and energy…besides, it is simply wrong! After all, I am being paid to work!
So, the title of this topic simply reflects how I am feeling today which, unfortunately, has become more common than I would like. The feeling of not understanding what is going on around me and what I must do in order to give my life the direction I want it to take is sometimes unbearable – not that I ever thought about killing myself or anything similar. I just can’t stand feeling unintelligent all the time.
Something is missing, but I don’t know what it is. Is it the clutter in my life? I mean, when I look at my working area at home I only see clutter! No matter how many times I clean up my desk, less than one week later all the mess is back. Today I am behind a pile of books I want to list on eBay…pretty tall pile.
Under my desk I have bags, boxes and a filing box. And some more products I would like to list on eBay.
Or is this belief I have that I am not intelligent enough is simply a reflection of me not knowing what I really want out of life? I mean, anytime someone asks me what I want to do, I stop for a while, think carefully what I am going to say and, after a sigh I say: “I have no idea.”
Even when it seems that I am absolutely sure of something, when I think really hard about it I come to the conclusion I am actually not that sure about it anyway. For instance, I keep saying I want to leave New York. My point of view includes how fast-paced the city is, how dirty it is, that the rents are incredibly high (don’t even think about buying a place – you may blow a fuse), that I am tired of the Winter, that my salary is not high enough and that I will never make enough money to live comfortably here, that I want to start my own business (which I have no idea what it could be) and that it is impossible to happen in Manhattan – the lease for a commercial property is ridiculous and whatever idea I come up with, I am sure someone else already did it and better!
But then when I think again, I am not so sure I want to leave NYC! I mean, this place here is the best place in the world, right?! It is the center of the freaking universe, correct? Everything happens here first. A lot of people made it here, and lots more will accomplish their dreams here…why can’t I, right?!
A friend of mine said something interesting the other day: “New York will either crush you into a diamond or into dust.” A little harsh, but I feel like becoming a diamond in New York is a very farfetched dream in my case.
So, what should I do? Unclutter my desk? Write a realistic life plan? Focus on little things so I can accomplish big ones in the future? Not sure, but I believe that writing about these stuff will help me figure out a way to find my way.
